Chinese 104: What I Learned

I am starting to think that maybe cookies weren't the right approach....I could not be feeling more empty right now. I was tricked by my ex this week. He asked me to meet him in Colorado at the end of the month and I was thrilled. I called a few days later to confirm in order to request off work and he had some lame excuse about why now it couldn't work but with the same old bullshit about "I don't know how I feel, I don’t know, maybe in time, etc" is his answer for everything. I get now that "I don't know" means "no" but why can't he just say "no" why does he feel this need to drag me on and on until he feels strong enough and sure enough to absolutely say goodbye? You would think after all the pain he put me through that he would have the balls to end it but I guess he is just "not sure". Ahhhhhhhh....so after a complete setback from the false invitation, I have begun to sew up that deep deep wound and have decided to start making plans without him. I must begin to see my future without him to begin to imagine what I would like to do myself. However, this is always easier said than done. I get so easily frusturated with the smallest porblems these days and the patience required to figure things out. Confucius said, "If a man takes no thought about what is distant, he will find sorrow near at hand." I have found that in these days when I am not who I want to be and my life is not what I want it to be I must continuously remind myself that this is momentary, and from this emptiness surely something must be born- if nothing else than hope.

Chinese 104: Emptiness if the Mother of All Things

This week’s cookie reads, “Emptiness is the Mother of All Things." How did this damn cookie know that was how I was feeling? Empty. Well, I kinda hope it's right and that something will be born from this emptiness cause it’s a whole lotta empty.

Chinese 103: What I Learned

Well I guess it’s safe to say that I am not mature. I didn't actively do anything this week to accomplish what the cookie suggested but I did think about it quite a bit. I hate that I cannot fix it, that I cannot make it better that he won't allow me a second chance. I love him so much it aches to think that we are not together, ahhhh why can't he allow me to fix my mistake? If mistakes are imperfections then why aren't they accepted as such? Why can't I apologize and start over just as I would if I were late for work or did poorly on a test? Is that what being mature is all about?- accepting the fact that there are things in life that we can't change-because in that case not only am I incredibly immature but I rather not be mature at all. I want to make this better, I want to make it work...only that doesn't really matter does it, if I am the only one? Confucius says,   "Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes." And I think he's right, I've put myself in my own emotional prison filled with guilt and despair and I am so afraid that someone else holds the key.

Chinese 103: To be Mature is to Accept Imperfections

This morning has not been good. Crying in the shower and an endless run of our fights keeps repeating itself over and over again in my head. Why do we always hurt the people we love the most? I know this question has been posed thousands of times but honestly why do we? Because we think we can get away with it? Everyone keeps telling me to stop blaming myself, but I can't. This week's cookie reads, "To be mature is to accept imperfections". But are mistakes the same as imperfections? My mother thinks I have a perfection problem; always striving to be perfect. But I don't think this is necessarily the case. For instance, I always have bad hair and at 22 I have come to accept this imperfection and I am content with my life with bad hair. However, I simply cannot accept how I acted towards my ex. Yes I was stressed, depressed and miserable but why did I have to be mean? Why could I not show him how much I loved him? This week's cookie proves already difficult.