Chinese 104: What I Learned

I am starting to think that maybe cookies weren't the right approach....I could not be feeling more empty right now. I was tricked by my ex this week. He asked me to meet him in Colorado at the end of the month and I was thrilled. I called a few days later to confirm in order to request off work and he had some lame excuse about why now it couldn't work but with the same old bullshit about "I don't know how I feel, I don’t know, maybe in time, etc" is his answer for everything. I get now that "I don't know" means "no" but why can't he just say "no" why does he feel this need to drag me on and on until he feels strong enough and sure enough to absolutely say goodbye? You would think after all the pain he put me through that he would have the balls to end it but I guess he is just "not sure". Ahhhhhhhh....so after a complete setback from the false invitation, I have begun to sew up that deep deep wound and have decided to start making plans without him. I must begin to see my future without him to begin to imagine what I would like to do myself. However, this is always easier said than done. I get so easily frusturated with the smallest porblems these days and the patience required to figure things out. Confucius said, "If a man takes no thought about what is distant, he will find sorrow near at hand." I have found that in these days when I am not who I want to be and my life is not what I want it to be I must continuously remind myself that this is momentary, and from this emptiness surely something must be born- if nothing else than hope.

Chinese 104: Emptiness if the Mother of All Things

This week’s cookie reads, “Emptiness is the Mother of All Things." How did this damn cookie know that was how I was feeling? Empty. Well, I kinda hope it's right and that something will be born from this emptiness cause it’s a whole lotta empty.

Chinese 103: What I Learned

Well I guess it’s safe to say that I am not mature. I didn't actively do anything this week to accomplish what the cookie suggested but I did think about it quite a bit. I hate that I cannot fix it, that I cannot make it better that he won't allow me a second chance. I love him so much it aches to think that we are not together, ahhhh why can't he allow me to fix my mistake? If mistakes are imperfections then why aren't they accepted as such? Why can't I apologize and start over just as I would if I were late for work or did poorly on a test? Is that what being mature is all about?- accepting the fact that there are things in life that we can't change-because in that case not only am I incredibly immature but I rather not be mature at all. I want to make this better, I want to make it work...only that doesn't really matter does it, if I am the only one? Confucius says,   "Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes." And I think he's right, I've put myself in my own emotional prison filled with guilt and despair and I am so afraid that someone else holds the key.

Chinese 103: To be Mature is to Accept Imperfections

This morning has not been good. Crying in the shower and an endless run of our fights keeps repeating itself over and over again in my head. Why do we always hurt the people we love the most? I know this question has been posed thousands of times but honestly why do we? Because we think we can get away with it? Everyone keeps telling me to stop blaming myself, but I can't. This week's cookie reads, "To be mature is to accept imperfections". But are mistakes the same as imperfections? My mother thinks I have a perfection problem; always striving to be perfect. But I don't think this is necessarily the case. For instance, I always have bad hair and at 22 I have come to accept this imperfection and I am content with my life with bad hair. However, I simply cannot accept how I acted towards my ex. Yes I was stressed, depressed and miserable but why did I have to be mean? Why could I not show him how much I loved him? This week's cookie proves already difficult.

Chinese 102: What I learned

This first week was not as successful as I had hoped- at least not with my fortune cookie project. I had decided that in order to fulfill this week's assignment I would try to reconnect with a friend who I had been estranged from for many years. This friend had reached out to me a number of times in the past few months but I was still too distrustful of him to respond to any of his messages. However, with this assignment in mind, I decided try and reconnect with him this week. If, I decided, that I hoped that my ex would forgive my faults and let us try again, then I too needed to forgive those who had wronged me in the past and give them a second chance. Unfortunately though to be quite honest, I did not make the full effort I should have and failed to see him. We did, however, speak and all in all I believe the situation has improved, and I will continue to make efforts to see him in the future.
In the meantime, I am starting to feel better. Today is my second day in a row that I haven't cried and I am starting to look forward. I still miss my ex everyday and hope that each time the phone rings it is him but I am trying to keep busy and distracted; applying for jobs, searching for an apartment, and seeing friends and family. Maybe I haven't fully healed yet and maybe I didn't complete my assignment as I had desired to but what I am learning more than anything is that life takes time and patience is a difficult but important lesson. In the words of the Confucius, "It does not matter has slowly you go as long as you do not stop".

Chinese 102: Your Meaning of Love is Special. Why Not Share it.

Today I opened my first fortune cookie. It read, Your meaning of love is special. Why not share it. How ironic is that? I think my ex-boyfriend would argue that by "special" the fortune cookie masters meant terrible or very badly displayed.
I am not sure how to approach this one but they say the first step is always the hardest, so here goes nothing. I will post later this week how I tried to share my love.

Chinese 101: How I got here

Backdrop:

I don't know how this happened...or maybe I do, but in either case it is not without tremendous joy and suffering that I have reached the point in life where I now find myself. I recently graduated from the University of Kansas and moved to Los Angeles to join my boyfriend who was pursuing his dream in the world of car magazines. I was so so proud of him and so deeply in love that although I had no job and no friends I happily moved to join him. Unfortunately, what I feared the most happened; I didn't find a job. Becoming lonely and depressed I took my disappointment out on him and after five weeks of enduring my terrible behavior he left me. Distraught and devastated I moved back home to New Mexico. It has been weeks now since our breakup but it has been hard to find any relief. I am filled with tremendous guilt and anguish but somewhere deep inside is the echoing of my mother's voice to push me to start again. This is my attempt.



The Attempt:
There is something about Chinese food. Have you ever notice that Chinese food appears in almost every capacity necessary? We eat Chinese in celebration, sorrow, rainy days in and of course for some of us on Christmas. Considering all of the circumstances, there must be something to it, right? Well, I hope there is something in it for me because this is my attempt at my new beginning. Every week I will open a fortune cookie and try to live as it suggests I should. Learn Chinese, learn life...wish me luck!